Reflections so far

Originally posted on 5th December


I’m starting to think about why I signed up for this. Let me correct that, why I was signed up for this. I signed up specifically for a trip that’s supposed to start on the 12th and end on the 16th, I never signed up to go earlier. What I cannot fathom so far is the idioticities of my personality being all sociable and stuff, to be so happy around any human interaction possible when my mind kicks on and tells me that I actually dislike hanging around thus company that I particularly resent. I don’t agree with their practice and their extremism anymore. Problem is, I’m not old enough to be able to make a stand and support myself in charting a new path according to God’s will. The thing is that I try so hard to reconcile the link between my personal choice and will and being conditioned into this choice and will. I don’t know after everything whether I really want this, or whether I was just merely conditioned into it. I don’t like this feeling and somehow this prolonged stay here isn’t helping. I’ve reached a point where I’m missing home, my best friends and a life. I miss everything about life back home, and while the schedule for me isn’t trying because I’m trained to be mentally very tough (thank you a levels), and even physically too, but my body is in recovery stage from exams which means I’m able to eat twice as much now, and not yet I’m not getting enough food. Neither do I have anything mentally challenging to do, I am bored beyond my life, no more poems to think about, debates to fight, no one to spar with me. I am mentally bored. I want to do something about my life but I’m disallowed to. If I don’t get something profitable to do soon, I’m losing my wits because my mind feels super underused. I’m probably gonna start training whenever I can at the times I have lesser things to do. Worse case is, there’s like nothing to read around here and barely any Internet so it’s like being confined in a nunnery and all. I hope the trip to sabah and sarawak do me some good.

I can’t wait. 
And I’m still praying for a positive reply from MOE. PLEASE BE NICE.


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