It’s been a while…

I only write when I’m down and mostly I’ve been down a lot these weeks. My mom constantly uses my passion, Literature, against me, and it hurts me deep down. There’s this little girl deep down that wants to make my parents smile. On Mother’s Day all I heard was my sister and my mom quarrelling again. and my non-existent other parent. Well now. I guess happy family never existed. Safe to say, mom will have a reason for the way things are. She always has. It’s real sad that everything that I do wrong, my parents use my loves and interests against me. ‘Oh you’re so tired, must be that Student leader bull-crap’, ‘can’t even take care of yourself want to be people’s leader’, ‘who ask you to take this job up, no need to go out and earn all that money what’, ‘wah literature student of course I can’t fight you la’. I’m dead sick of it. I really am. This probably sounds like a really pathetic post because it is. It is pathetic. I am tired of fighting to find my identity. I cannot just surrender because it is not me. I could agree, go with the norms, act like it is normal and part of life’s routine, go to church, come home, go for meetings upon meetings, help up in the community, yes I am sure God gave us all these to live with. But who am I to kid myself that I love it here? Am I to just wolf down everything that is given to me, are obligations obligations only because we choose to allow them to rule our lives? I feel really haunted by these thoughts and they keep me up at night. Identity is such a painful thing to worry about. I guess I would rather have studied and done Lit. I see Lit as an escape from reality, I see the painful and real world through characters’ eyes, I see how they deal with life and why they deal with it in such and such a way, I feel their pain…so long as it is not mine it is okay… I long for an escape that I know only He can give. To me, literature is a passion because it gives me new lens to see the world, from varied contexts, emotional, mental and spiritual backgrounds. It opens my eyes (and heart) to learn to love, to feel, and to appreciate life, warts and all. So please mom, stop using my passions against me, it hurts so much. 

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