thankfulness and hope

I believe at this point of time I have come to the realization that life is pain. When you have a best friend who’s emotion is pain – all the time, especially when he is bombarded with exams and stress, it honestly is very hard to get by. Sometimes I ask myself why just why do I hurt all the time, havent I found a way to not hurt and yet live life. Sure, there are many things I do that make me happy. I have a good family, I have God. But somehow it hurts because I know deep down, that only God, can solve whatever he is going through.

Even with this in mind I want to bang my head against the wall. I am so frustrated. Severely frustrated – being an ESFJ my worse nightmare is being unable to help the people around me. I feel lost, quite a bit, and even when he shares his pain, all I can do is sit there and listen. I know that it is about your relationship with God that matters. I experienced it that way, when I left God, I know He left me too. I know deep down there was an emptiness I wanted to fill up so desperately, I went everywhere, I buried myself in work so that I would not be hurting. But that was not the way He wanted me to solve it. He wanted me to return, and haltingly I did, grudgingly, but He opened His arms. It bewilders me why He should love me to this extent. Sometimes when I think of what I am and what I have become, I cannot even bring myself to love myself that much. But He did, in the great vast ocean of His mercies. For that I am forever thankful.

Thinking about life in that context, it is very difficult to actually imagine what would university be in a month’s time. I don’t know who and what to expect. But I pray God lead me, give me the peace of mind and the solid trust in Him.


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