Stream of consciousness // Week 4

It was a new experience for me.

In the past, I was tottering between my feeling at all and feeling so much I’d followed my impulses. Yesterday when I told you I was scared I meant everything I said. How sure was I that you’d be okay with it all. But you seemed okay. I’m glad we talked it out. In a way I said I was scared because I didn’t know what to expect how to react and how the other party would react. At the same time I overcompensated because I couldn’t deal with what and how I felt. I think over time as I matured I learnt how to not just DEAL with these feels per se but I learnt to embrace and love them. These feels keep us alive, without them we’re no different from objects ‘cause these have no feelings too. 

At the same time, I think you said I sounded lonely. Maybe that’s cause of the scars of the past. I’m quite shocked and vaguely sad in a way that the scars shaped me to the point that when I think of them nowadays I can still bring the exact feelings back to life through words. Does that mean I never really recovered from them? I don’t feel the loneliness now truth be told. But I know back then when I walked out from God or rather pushed Him away ever so stupidly, I could feel the gaping hole that only He could feel. I wonder how much of that came across to you. Maybe not much. But I do know deep down that He sustains me from within. There is no way I couldn’t survived the first month of school. 

It just hits me that the first month of school passed. It fleeted by so quickly I didn’t have time to stop and think. And be thankful. But I am. And will be eternally. I can say this semester I learnt so much.

I learnt how to let go and let God. This phrase is extremely cliche a lot of people use it but I think that letting go isn’t the hardest part, it’s letting God. How can we trust someone or rather The One whom we have never seen. Sometimes it’s hard enough trusting people whom we can see with out naked eyes. But trusting in Him takes faith. This time when I had to give up canoeing I felt pushed to pray that God take my life and let Him use it as He deems fit. I chose to go in my own path but I never really stopped at once to consider what His plans were. So I think it was a message when everything started getting very difficult. Coupled with ridiculously early mornings were extremely late nights (normal for a student who stays in hall but I don’t so therefore) anyway so yes then also aggravating the stress was the fact that mom was in hospital. And I had weird emotions that I’d no idea how to deal with and/or dump them down the nearest trashcan. That was tough nuts. Put everything together and the only solution was to get on my knees. And when I did that, as the song says, I touched the sky. God was brought to me and I felt His grace and mercy push me forward, enabling me to make decisions that otherwise wouldn’t have been easy. Well it wasn’t but there was a willingness to give up and let go of my attachments and not feel guilty about it. 

And then came the healing, when I listened to Him. Then came DG and the wrong people moved out of my life and the right ones came in. It felt like I wasn’t making decisions but I felt handheld this whole semester. And I’m real thankful, as I think on it.

The next month is not gonna be easier, there’s speeches and stuff coming up for ODAC and mom’s out and dad’s out and everything is piling up… But before I hit the panic button I can hit the other button, that’s the prayer button. And that’s a blessed thing. So blessed.


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