Feels // aftermath 6

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Over the course of the week I had to deal with feelings. Normal human beings all have that (haha), some of us try and push it away because we simply don’t know what to do with it. Someone once told me that the bravest people are not just those that have the courage to climb mountains and risk their lives, that of course is another form of bravado, but one of the hardest forms, is to accept how emotions run through us, and be okay with them. 

This week, I learnt that it is empowering to feel. It is empowering because it is not just about control, but the letting go of control, and to just put yourself out there, and let whatever emotions run through you do their thing, let it fill your veins, whether it be happiness or pain. 

Recently it felt like a roller coaster, someone made me feel happy, really, deeply happy. And I stopped resisting it, I opened myself to it, and it felt like an exhilarating ride down a water slide. It was nothing short of amazing. I enjoyed every moment because it made me feel alive. And that’s when it kinda hit me, that if opening yourself to happiness allows you to be alive, then doesn’t feeling pain make you feel this alive too? 

How ironic, but in a way bittersweet it was that I had to go through the emotions on the other end of the spectrum as well. 

Growing up being bullied, I always thought that tears were a sign of weakness. It may not seem like a big deal, but when you are constantly harassed by those you fear, tears mean you give in, it is a sign that you have succumbed to what they want you to, that their control on you is complete. So I learnt not to show my tears to anyone except to my pillow (and bolsters, and whatever I hug to bed). 

I never seemed like the kind of person that could lose control, to most people I appeared strong and very stubborn. Control was a big thing for me because when you have lost control once in your life, for 4 years of your developmental stage of life, you will know, that if you lose control, things go crumbling. 

So somehow I came out of secondary school strong willed, steely, determined to fend off whatever came my way, and with that feelings were not excluded. 

I didn’t know how to deal with emotions, crushes were weird things to me, it was like I became vulnerable again. I built this impenetrable wall. Outwardly I seemed tough, maybe I was, but it was because I was scared to be vulnerable in front of people who I thought could have taken advantage of me (like old times). I am extroverted so it didn’t seem like I couldn’t feel, but deep down I knew better.

But then a few good people crossed my path and slowly, they made me trust them, and it took 3 years (I am still learning, and improving) and I have come to be able to accept feelings, especially pain, it is a strange emotion, it is sometimes numbing and other times sharp. 

This time when I felt pain, it was more numbing than anything else, I walked past places that held memories and let the sadness sweep over me because I wanted to learn to feel. I stopped pushing it away by making myself busy with work because that was how I learnt to stop feeling. I let myself sit there, alone with my thoughts and let the tears flow because I am human, and feelings make me alive. Just as I was really inwardly awake when I felt happiness, I let myself feel sad deep, deep inside because  I felt that hey, I know I am alive, and I can feel something in this ridiculously jaded madness that is school. 

And so, my journey of learning to come to terms with feels continues and I thank those who made me feel, the ridiculously happy feels, the bittersweet frustrations and the aching, painful tears, because the extreme ones assure me that in this mad rush that is society, I am a soul and I am alive

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