A letter to myself when I am broken and down and out

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Here’s something I decided to do. I know that mostly I’ve recovered from the horrors of the past. But today I want to write this to myself, because I know that when I get hurt, it is because I think I am not enough. I think I am not enough for myself, for others, for everything that I stand for, that no matter what I try to do or who I try to be, it never is enough. I cannot stand, and have learned to get annoyed with the people who tell me: it is okay, just be yourself. I cannot be myself because that makes me feel inferior. 

But over the months, this has been less and less of a problem, and today I want to tell myself this. 

1. Listen to what your friends say. They will tell you that you are enough for them, they will tell you to screw the haters, but deep down, you won’t believe them. But trust them because they know you and they mean it for your good and they love you. Trust them and open your heart to them, no matter how much you tell yourself when you look in the mirror, and look at others, and you think you cannot be enough, trust them. They want only the best for you and they aren’t saying things to make you happy or console your bruised feelings, they are saying it because they mean it. 

2. Everyone is different *cues high school musical soundtrack: everyone is special in their own way*. 
But yes truth be told, that girl you saw on your instagram feed, with brown silky hair, long legs, decent sized assets and popularity, she’s not you, neither are you her. She has everything you want, she attracts people, she’s appealing, and best of all, she has the guy you wanted so badly to get close to. But that’s her. She has all of those but she isn’t you. She isn’t the girl who exudes passion to life, she isn’t the girl who would stand up for her friends, who’s impulsive sometimes and rash more often than not, but who would live life to the fullest. She’s not you. That doesn’t mean she’s a good person, she definitely is, but my point is, she isn’t you. She isn’t the girl who would take care of her baby sister despite all odds, she isn’t in your shoes. You are who you are, amazing in your ways, down to the littlest detail, and if anyone thinks otherwise, screw them. She has her own gorgeous traits, but so do you, and you are beautiful too. Please see that. 

3. You know you have done this before. You have been thrown down harder than you have ever been, lower than the lowest you could ever reach. AND you stood back up. What’s stopping you from standing back up again? There is so much out there to life! What is one fear of not being able to get that person you wanted, that grade you worked so hard for, that little bit of success, as compared to the rest of your life, as compared to what is ahead of you? You have prospects, hope, love, a future, and yourself to find. What is stopping you from hauling your ass to the bathroom, washing your tear stained face, taking a long shower, dressing up and going out there to chase your dreams? You’ve been thrown down, and you don’t need a reason to stay where you are, because there isn’t any benefit doing so. SO get up and start moving.

4. Dump those that don’t matter to you. I know you need, desperately, to be that person that will stay amidst the storm, you want to be the valiant hearted one. Get real, girl! You gotta be able to understand that some people are just toxic, they will ruin you. You need to learn when to let go and say no. No one waits for you, except you. You don’t need people in your life who want you because they can, you don’t need to make time for people who say they hang out with you because they’re free, you want people who would travel a whole MRT line for you because you both know that you’ll do the same for them in a heartbeat. You keep those people who support your decisions, not blindly, but those who support your good choices, and call you out on your bad ones. Those that tell you to get your shit together instead of joining your little pity party, those who drag you from your hell. Friends who are toxic, for God’s sake girl, please spare yourself the horrors. You deserve better, so much better, be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

5. It’s okay to want to be alone and not talk to anyone. Give yourself a break, chill, go walk by the park routes, go to the beach, go to the gym, lift some weights, breathe in some fresh air, find yourself again. I know you’re a workaholic and the deadlines you set for yourself tend to be larger than life. Your ambitions and goals are larger than life. But you’re a little girl, still trying to find yourself in this wide and crazy world. Ignore deadlines sometimes, you need a breather, give yourself some reflection time, daily, if possible, set aside time for a date with yourself. Calm those nerves. 

6. Chase your dreams. If you want to be gorgeous, go do it, if you want to study, go all out, don’t be afraid of being called a bookworm, if you want to lift, go lift heavy, no one has a right to tell you otherwise because it is your dreams and you create what you will of it. No one can call you too buff, or too tomboyish, or ‘why aren’t you like the other girls?’ Who has a right to say what it is to be like those girls? Go live life, of course measuredly (but that is also for you to judge), live your dreams, don’t be afraid of what society dictates to you. If you want to chase someone, go for it, so what if you get rejected, you chased your dreams and that’s what’s important. go find the little joys that life bring, the satisfaction in planning events, watching teams bond, watching yourself grow and improve, and fall down, make mistakes, and finally get back up. Go chase them all, because you never know when you’ll get another opportunity. 

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