Altschmerz

n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

Sometimes, when you’re the independent girl for too long, it’s hard to be okay with depending on people.

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There are two sides to this.

It’s hard to be okay to open up to people about your deep fears when all your life, you’ve been the strong one, when you’re always there for people to pour out their sorrows and fears…and when you suddenly feel scared, people expect you to be able to cope…because you’re you. When you’re scared, or get hit by insecurities, or when you think you aren’t good enough, you get comments that you’ve done it before, you can always do it again. It’s difficult to bring out the struggle you really feel. It’s hard when people say, i’m here for you, and they try to dissect you (in a way) and address your fears and touch those nerves that you hold tightly to you. I don’t know how to express it, it’s just like my defense mechanism builds up and hits whenever someone reads what I say and asks me not a few times if I’m saying this and whether it means this and that. I’m not saying I don’t open up. I do. It is one thing to open up about your past, but it is another thing to open up about the feelings and fears you have, the insecurities and how you feel that despite everything that people tell you about how you can make it etc, you feel scared. It’s vulnerability and I don’t know how to face that yet. It’s like the next stage of my recovery. It isn’t that I don’t trust people, it is more so that if I bared my heart open, I know it is a lot to take, and to be honest, sometimes I cannot even face myself.

BUT also…

All my life, I’ve been placed in positions where I had to help myself in emotional situations and even help other people. It is rare that I find that people do the same for me. So when I really need people to be there for me, they either don’t know how to react or they will go, “You’re Esther, you can do it no problem”. I find that while that in a way shows that they believe in me, it also makes me frustrated because sometimes I really just want to be the weak one for once. I know I cannot face my emotions, but I want to be able to open up. I want to be able to cry without feeling that I need to be strong for someone else (heck, last time I felt that crying was weakness). I want my friends to be able to understand that sometime, it’s really difficult to be the strong one as per their perception.

So, there’s this real dilemma where I want to be able to open up, but I am scared. It’s tough but I’m still working on it. I guess one day I’ll come to a more stable balance of it ^^

 

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