Here I am to worship

Thank God for the healing from His Word. Every time I go far away, I don’t know why God would stretch out His Hand of love and grace and many times, correction, to bring me back to Him. Sometimes I think I’m like a stubborn donkey that seems very insistent on her own way, on her own path and desires. 

Encountering Him is very different from knowing Him. Encountering Him means a full change, as Paul met Him on the road to Damascus and his life changed completely. Encountering Him needs desire. I think today I have come to the understanding, sadly, that I lack desire. I am so caught up in everything I do, that I forget Him. I only pray when I lose something and I need to find it, or when something goes terribly wrong. I say I trust Him, but I don’t lay my burdens on Him, I try and handle them by myself, I take the weight of whatever and whoever is around me and attempt to change in the world. But I forgot that I need my quiet time to be with God, to taste His presence, to feel His strength. I am sad as I think about this. 

As I meditated on these things, I remember someone said, “God is faithful, He would not ask for your heart and leave you with nothing.” I thought of consecration, and that to have an encounter with Christ would mean I need to give it all. I wondered on this ‘all’ I spoke of, there’s really nothing. I considered Christ’s sacrifice and I felt mine paled in comparison. What have I to give up as compared to Him? Nothing! He stepped down into the earth to give His all – from conception, meaning He felt it all, all the inconvenience (which is but an understatement, for the King of Kings to come into the sin-cursed world), and all the pain, the journey of life which He walked, all so He could die on the cross for His people and be their intercessor. Meditating on Christ always makes me feel so insignificant, it makes my problems feel really stupid. It makes me wonder why I could hold on to my pride and stubbornness and not surrender whatever I have to Him for Him to be the King in my heart. He gave His all, until He died, and I say I want Him but I give my 50%, maybe even less. Thinking about this, I just cried, in sadness and in thankfulness. 

I want an encounter with Him, all these thoughts brought me to my knees, to say simple words like – I’m sorry, God. I felt so ashamed on my ungratefulness and pride. I want to strive day by day to reduce my stronghold on things around me, on relationships, instead I want Him to reign, little by little, I want to give God the control, if it may be that in these little things I learn to let God hold my hand and walk with me in life, that Christ be not just a notion, or something I read of in the Bible, or hear in church, but The One that would be my Friend, and my God, my strength, everyday. 

I pray for grace to repent, change and resolve to love Him more in deed and truth.

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