I don’t know how to title this post, but I felt compelled to write. As I sat on a long bus ride home today (I rarely take long bus rides), I felt a sense of emotional healing. It’s obviously not the bus ride that provided the healing, but it definitely gave fodder for the healing to begin. There were many thoughts that went through my head as I sat there, on the upper deck, nearly alone, because it was that odd hour of the day where commuters hadn’t sardine packed public transport. I rationalised and asked myself why would I even choose to open my heart to something so transient. I asked myself why did I put so much into something I did not expect to crumble so easily.
After the bus ride, I did not have all the answers, all I did was try and rationalise if I did wrong, if you did wrong, if there was anything wrong. My thoughts ran to whether I should wait, maybe I should not. Then in the midst of thinking on all these gloomy thoughts, my phone pinged, and it was someone who wanted to talk to me, she said she needed me here. Two days ago, I did the exact same thing she did – I texted someone and I said, please be here, I need you here. The person did help me, very honestly, trenchantly, but with a heart full of love and care.
So, in the midst of my sulking, I picked up my phone and answered her, I told her all I wanted her to know, and above all, one thing stood out for me from what I told her. I’ve been approached by various people before asking for help in different situations, and I’d tried to give them advice. But what I realised I never actually considered was that what I felt was advice, while I’m sure it had certain strands of truth, was only something from my point of view, and how I treated the situation. I never considered that she/he might be going through the same situation, but they are not me. In the end, today, I told her I’d be there for her, but I said that she had to fight her own battles, as do all of us.
It healed me when I saw the wound slightly soothed, maybe not as much as I would’ve wanted it to, but it begins a painful, but very needful road to recovery. She asked me, how do I move on so quickly, how do I learn to open my heart and love again. I said that I’m someone who lives life on the edge, emotionally, for me, the best moments of life are when I feel deep emotions, good, or maybe not so good, but I definitely feel alive.
I still don’t know how to solve my own issue on the other hand. At first it’s the shock, especially because I couldn’t brace myself for what was to come, I had absolutely no idea. But secondly, it became pain, and my brain took over to come up with answers, then my ‘Angel of Solutions’ started to work its way around and find solutions. Having failed, it gave way to the more depressed sulk that decided to park itself on my brow. I suppose, it will pass, I know it will, experience has taught me that much.
On my part, what was painful was that it was so close yet so far. The question I ask myself is – do I wait. Because fire can only burn if there is fuel/wood supplied. If I wait, and it ends up being one way, I become self-consuming. Furthermore, Sem 2 starts soon and it was, I guess, a pity, that it had to begin in this way. That’s life, and to set the tone for 2016, unpredictable, a roller coaster, and many learning experiences.
A last note, ‘we need to talk’ has definitely and will forever (until changed) prove to be a sign of bad things to come. I don’t believe in omens or bad luck, but nothing good has ever succeeded this phrase.