I broke last Friday. For those of you who know me, it takes very much to break me, and usually, it comes from no one else but yours truly. The only pressure that can kill me is the pressure I put on myself. I sat there, without motivation from inside, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything, for some people, just chilling is part of what they do because they are used to it and because they like it. For high functioning, fast paced individuals, the thought that we cannot produce work fast and efficiently can be a nightmare for us if it goes on for long. I resorted to some destress ways #distressdoodles and #mugsther on Instagram. But yeah, it didn’t really work out although I thought it did because I was still moody and angsty. I was half or even less as efficient as I was in week 6-9 and that was troubling. It’s troubling when you plan things and then you find yourself lacking the inner strength and motivation. Sadder still is that I find it hard to tell people because all I get is, why are you so fast? Slow down! I find it hard to relate to people in that wise, this crazy college student who starts essays way before deadline and enjoys studying and gets concerned when I start to get bored of studying because that’s a bad sign. After a while I just get frustrated.
I recently watched a video on high functioning anxiety and associated deeply with it. I suppose the first thing for me is to acknowledge that I have it and not to be ashamed that I am high functioning. In a society where everyone who has something different from the mainstream society is mocked at, I found it hard to acknowledge that. It seemed like bragging.
I came to appreciate the signs of high functioning anxiety – mostly it’s hidden by efficient work, planner writing and scheduling and rescheduling, foot tapping, perfectionist manners, flipping my fringe back and forth and running my fingers through my hair repeatedly as I try to breathe through the adrenaline coursing through my veins. At home, it’s the pressure of not being good enough a sister, a daughter, at school, it’s not being good enough a friend, a member of a team, a classmate, a groupmate, a participant. It eats at you, just enough to make you feel always on edge. What’s worse, expectations are constantly raised and maintained because you’ve been known to produce quality work fast. You smile it off, and breathe in the air around you, grab another cup of coffee and continue working faster and faster. This goes on for 10 weeks, maybe even months, then you stop. Because you cannot do it anymore. When you mess up, you haul yourself up, you say, let’s go on, don’t be a whiny person, don’t be weak, lousy, stop moping, just go, move it, produce work. Part of me tells me that I want to do it faster better stronger more efficiently, the other part of me just cannot bring myself to do it.
I never knew this would be a problem. I want to hide away in a corner, not talk to anyone and doodle in my book with black markers and watercolour pens… BUT NO, assignments are due.
Guess I’ll actually go seek help and at the same time pray and read the Word, that’s been the source of healing and rejuvenation during this time when I was busy trying to plough myself out of this mess.