These are reflections on the last Impact of the Sem.
-Heavy religion related reflections-
Yesterday the songs were so hard to sing. When we started the first few it was already so cutting and hurting to know how much I grieved God’s heart by my actions of taking my life into my own hands. And yet for all that, He never let me go. He chastised me and made me realise what a fool I was and then showed me His way that was diametrically opposite to His.
Having said that, when I had to repent and let go, it was such a struggle. It was so hard to let go. I could not let go of my pride, and the idea of trusting in something that was intangible, someone that people said was powerful…I felt incredibly torn at my stupidity, I really wanted to trust Him but deep down I still thought highly of myself. But when Marcus said let go and let God, it just cut me once again. It’s not let go and let it die or let go and trust man, but let go and Let God take over the steering wheel of my life… He asked us what was the one thing that brought us peace and that we should take that and give it to God. I thought of productivity as my one idol. I could not let go of it. I let it define me that giving that up was giving a piece of me away. Feeling terrible for a good two weeks was terribly exhausting and disconcerting because I could not really do much things and I had no energy to live life fully as I usually had. But I tried to let go, I fought my desires to hold on and when Christ is Enough, by faith I let go, because it is when I surrender that I know Christ will heal my scars and take my heart and make it His again. The lyrics were so hard to sing because it sounded like it came from a very sincere person, someone who gave it all on the altar, but here I was stubbornly refusing the gift of His strength and life and choosing mine, my puny strength and clinging onto dear life over His might.
Anyhow, by faith I just sang the lyrics as a prayer.