It’s coming to an end. I feel like this semester was the toughest so far. It was not because I was too busy or anything but more like emotionally and mentally I was thrown into the deep end and left to survive there. So many things happened this semester, so many good bad and ugly things. Home was a battlefield, school was another (sort of) and my heart was where it all collided and played out.
I don’t know how to type my reflections, honestly. I just felt this semester I was forced to deal with a lot of my inner turmoil that could only be brought out through these events that transpired. I asked questions like what do I value most in life, and what do I place my trust on? I thought of the many people that crossed my path and sometimes I detached myself from reality to watch the world go past and feel enjoyment in my alone time.
I feel like I possibly grew a little this semester in understanding heartbreak and frustration. I hate these emotions, they are so hard to deal with and they make me lose my motivation and drive. I cannot function with them around, I cannot deal with things that take up my spirit and bring my enthusiasm down and yet I was forced to. I planned so hard to avoid failure but in the end it was not my lack of planning that brought me down but my own body and mind. I wasn’t able to keep up. I learnt that university is a place where hard work matters but not as much as intelligence. Surely you can learn, you can learn real hard but you’d never beat or ever be on par or even come near people who already have it. and some people have it, they have everything.
I struggled to breathe amidst the demands that came from my subconscious, to tell myself that what I did will and never be enough. To spend 4 weeks doing an essay and get a B- was a slap on the face.
But amidst all the sadness, I became closer to certain friends. I grew to appreciate and be thankful for people who were there at the right place and right time, to offer the right word of encouragement when it was needed the most. To send me a verse or a prayer when I was broken and breaking more than I thought I could break and as I sat there sobbing in a corner of the library because I felt I could not do school anymore they were there to lift my spirits just a little. Thank you friends for being the light in my darkness.
This semester I learnt to love genuinely deeply and with all my heart. I learnt to love the people who broke me continuously, as Christ said, you forgive your brother not just 7 times but 70 times of 7. I learnt to forgive, it was so hard but I will try and keep trying to love and forgive the very people who break me down. I learnt to care for people and to use the depth of intense emotions that I have in me to draw out pools of love for those who needed it. I learnt to be more sensitive to people’s emotions, body language, their silence, what they subtly hinted and such like. It was a great lesson in love and empathy, something I overlook conveniently because I am a very selfish and self-centred being.
Furthermore because there was so much pain and frustration and everywhere, so when I went to church and read the Word or had my own quiet time, there was so much life and spirit ministered to me, there was so much healing and restoration and I think I felt really touched and overwhelmed by God’s care for an undeserving one like me.
I learnt to take advice. I’m proud and I hate people telling me things. But this semester I was forced to put down my pride and listen to people teach me life. I was forced to, compelled to, because of circumstances. And I learnt things. I really did.
This was the hardest semester so far, not because of anything external but because God wanted to deal with my heart. I am thankful. In everything, I will praise and continue to praise Him.