Dearest FCBayern München

Dearest FC Bayern München,

you played with bravery, intensity, passion and drive. We were constantly screwed by refereeing decisions that decided both legs of the tie but we played and supported with all our hearts. I love you, champions league or no, you’re always my champions.

I am so so proud of everything we did despite all the odds stacked against us, from ridiculous red cards/double yellows to bad offside goals (I stopped counting how many there were).
I am proud because we never backed down despite already going into the game with a deficit.
I am proud that Mats Hummels and Jérôme Boateng played so well with all they had despite the recent injury.
I’m proud we didn’t give up after going a goal down.

We withstood the ridiculous red card decision against Vidal and didn’t lose our heads. For all that, we deserve credit. We don’t buy our matches, we earn them. (hear that, Madrid?)

You all were tired, we all were, too. You all pulled yourselves together despite everything, you ran, you fought, you gave your all. We love and respect you for that. You never gave up.

We played like 11 vs 11 although we had 10. The 11th man were the fans. Always cheering, always behind the team. As fans, we had our hearts in our mouths for almost the whole tie, it was stressful, really, terribly pressurising for all of us. We screamed, pulled our hair, some of us cried, even. It’s well worth it.

It’s been a long time since we crashed out from the UCL in the quarters. This game felt like a final to all of us, for the hype, the passion, the madness.

Thank you Bayern for giving us the opportunity to be part of this amazing experience. We love you no matter what.
Thank you Mr Carlo Ancelotti for the amazing run in this competition, for bringing us all through so far.

Bayern, you make me hate football, and you also make me love football.

(Image credits: https://twitter.com/Football__Tweet)

 

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Suffocated

Some nights you feel suffocated, you feel overwhelmed by the weight of the world, you feel like you cannot do it anymore, you feel choked because there are too many things going on and you want to run away from it all. You have so many deadlines and you have no idea what to do with all of them so you just try and run away, but even when you run away, some things just stay in your head, the monsters under the bed that bite at you when you try and close your eyes and sleep. You cannot understand why you feel this way. Try and fight the pain but it comes back, in full force. The tears come rushing in spurts because you don’t know how to fight it anymore, you fight battles every day, in every place you go, at home, at school, with others because you care about them, and above all, in your head, your heart. the battle rages on fierce and doesn’t seem to let you go, it grips you, like tentacles, clawing at the very edges of your sanity. Try as you may, it’s not going to let you go. Through all this you want to scream, it reaches the point where you cannot even breathe because you just want to give up. God, please help. and if the pain is not taken away in Your will, please give me strength, sanity and grace upon grace. I trust You, God.

Rants-

One;

I can’t help feel annoyed and terrified that my grades for Sem 2 are gonna roll in soon. Truth be told, I enjoyed the collection of modules I took this semester, however the grades are a whole different issue. I suppose I fall under that zone where you’re kinda average at whatever you chose to do but you absolutely love it. I love what I did, the skills and insights I received and picked up along the course of the semester, I wouldn’t trade them for anything else. But at the end of the day, what’s shown on your CAP/GPA is what really counts right? I’m so frustrated, honestly. I’ve been someone who swore to myself that I wouldn’t allow the idea of not so fantastic grades to deter me from choosing mods based on my interest and especially fully knowing the horror of some bell curves. I told myself I’ll follow my passions and my dreams and I’ll do things because I believe in it. But what happens when reality hits and when it slaps you in the face and compells you to come down from your high tower of idealism. What then am I supposed to do about it? I can’t find a balance yet…am I supposed to find a balance? The first Sem gave us free S/U options but I gotta say Sem 2 was when I really threw myself into doing the modules which I believed I’d be interested in. Do I really have to sacrifice my interests for grades? Honestly it’s not as though if I took some other modules I’d be so dead sure I’d score better. But then maybe it won’t be as volatile as these mods bell curves.?? I don’t know, I really can’t wrap my head around it. I admire some people who really can say passion > grades. I could…until I realized the possibility that I had to choose between German 3 and a bad grade next Sem. It’s not so much about working hard I know because I do that, I can guiltlessly and shamelessly (if you will), say that I worked hard, super darn hard, but no, it’s kinda about aptitude here. I’m no language person, but German 1 and 2 made me fall in love (deeper) with the culture, language, mindset, football and more. But for that one number – the CAP – I’m gonna have to reconsider that choice. It hurts.

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Why do you do this? It’s not ‘you’

Disclaimer: I’m writing this based on my experiences and mine alone.

For a good while in my secondary school days, let’s say because of a bad experience, I hated girls. I didn’t wanna be like them. I detested everything that they were, because I felt I was not that. Secondary school was when girls grow, in every way possible, especially in the physical aspects, and I seemed to have been left out. I did talk about that more, here, but any way I grew to dislike feminine characteristics. I didn’t know how to dress also and I was a pretty socially awkward (and loud) person at the same time. Also, from young, I loved football and sports and it was always easier for me to hangout with the boys than with the girls.

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NUS Open Day 2016 thoughts

Watching the kids come to NUS for Open Day was like some deja vu. I remembered the blur and overly enthusiastic (still am) me, walking into the MPSH at NUS University Town looking for answers to my future. I was confused because for me, it was like options galore and I had no idea what I wanted and what NUS Lit/History/whatever-I-wanted-to-do-then was about. Fast forward to today and it’s one year, how fast time has passed. I picked up a tag and decided to answer questions, like how seniors talked to a confused me last year and gave me some directions and a little more clarity in my thoughts. Here are some thoughts/reflections.

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Why being an idealist sucks

You start everything by hoping for the best. And by that I mean not hoping for things to go well but secretly preparing that something will go wrong. You genuinely believe that it will go right. You choose to see the best out of every situation, you tell yourself that at the start of every event or situation or wish or date, that you’ll get it done to perfection, that bad things will eventually become good, that you’ll get the girl/guy to fall for you, that your family will stop quarreling over money, that studying this much will make your grades go up.

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You break my heart

Your lack of understanding and trust is beyond me. How long have you known me and the fact that I’m 20 this year and after all that I’ve done, this is the attitude I’m presented with. I suppose the miles I go for you and those around you are invisible to your eyes. Maybe it is not, but you’d close your eyes to it so you don’t have to face truth. You don’t just disgust me, you sadden my heart, you make me feel distraught and flabbergasted at the way you react to this. How could you possibly be so slow to understand and insensitive as well m? I don’t like to ever use the word ‘obtuse’ on anyone but you prompt me to. Have you been away so long that you know nothing about the present situation? Probably so. Even after refresher courses have been given to you, you seem to be living in a world of your own concocted imagination, as though just to say ‘imagination’ would not suffice. It’s probably time for you to attempt and lift that rock you’ve been living under and get a view of the vast changes that have transpired while you built your own little well, higher and higher with more bricks every year. Maybe not your worldview is circular, next time it’ll be non-existent because we’ll all have moved on, society and those close to you. And you’ll be left alone. Maybe you deserve it too. If not for the obvious links shared between us, I dare say there’s nothing much between us anymore. I wish you’d open your eyes and learn to be not just more understanding but have some form of heart. What’re your global goals worth when your own languishing relationships fade slowly but surely into oblivion?

Appreciation

So, I bought a new camera. Finally. It was a long time coming, and there was a great deal of contemplation, research, asking around, consulting friends who were photographers, etc. The day came, and I got my hands on a really nice basic but solid DSLR.

I went home that day really happy, extremely pleased that after saving up for so long, and scrimping and pinching here and there, I managed to get enough to get the camera, and better still at the start of 2016. Gleefully, I texted my mother that I had bought the camera…

When I reached home, the first thing was that I got lambasted for wasting money, for not consulting her. What annoyed me the most was that buying a camera was called ‘wasting money’. Firstly, it was my own money that was being used here, but more so what made me sad was the fact that to her, photography is a waste of time and resources.

Of course, many people have jumped headlong into the trend that is ‘Instagramming’ and all things that are somehow linked to both photo snapping (of literally everything and anything) and social media. I do not deny that the trend took me in, too. However, I realised along the way that photography meant a lot more to me than what it seemingly offered. On the surface, we all take photos to store memories, but as I did, I realised the focus of my photo taking shift to nature related shots.

Nature has a certain charm for me. It heals me, it gives me peace, and it reminds me of my Creator and His glory. It’s ever so heart warming to watch the sky get painted in different colours (as my pastor said), to see the colour of the flowers, the symmetry around me. I love long walks down the roads because it allows for reflection and thought.

I started from a mirrorless camera, but I decided to move up because I felt it was time to. I hope I will get better (:

Back to the point, I guess I could say ‘to each his own’ and not be bothered about what she felt. But I feel sad, I can’t help feeling disappointed that she’s been watching me shoot photos, and yet after all this while she can still say that a really dear hobby of mine is a waste of resources. I wish you’d understand, mom, I really wish you would.