You don’t know what hurt is

You don’t know what hurt is

You don’t know what hurt is until the words that come out of your mouth are like knives and they cut someone’s heart, sometimes lightly, sometimes more painfully. You don’t know it is painful because you aren’t capable of being at that level of depth to know how the pain only starts coming out when you go into the nuances of things. It’s the little actions you do, the words you say which I’m not sure if you mean, I could brush it off as insensitive for all I care. But the point is, I want to stop trying. I want to stop trying to act like I care. I want to stop trying to tell you how much I care for you when all you do is not treat me like I exist. I am your own flesh and blood but all you do is disregard my person, my words, my actions and everything that I have done that was only for your own good. You not just disrespect but you despise what I say. I am not the most spiritual, right, just, fair or mature. But I from my experiences and whatever little understanding I possess will tell you that this is how I think life should be when it comes to her and I and I am here, begging for you to lend me a ear. All that has happened in the past two years have only been pain and more pain, disillusion, discomfort and slowly it has descended into resignation, not bitterness, but just, a numb ache of grief that you know that you did not lose something, but that you didn’t have what you always thought you had. When I come to you I try my best to make things work between us. The years of separation have been long, in the process of time I ever asked God when I was 14, why God Why WHY did you take him away from me. But then I realised it was not God, but it was you, you chose to go pursue a greater mission than just a happy family, you chose to go because you believed. Or so I believed. When I was 17 I came to terms with understanding that loving God was the foremost thing in our lives and that nothing could and should come between us and God. There and then I respected you and I knew why you did what you do. Now I’m 22 and I find out the thing that perhaps no child should ever figure out, for they would be so much happier if they never ever came to understand the pain of disenfranchisement and disillusionment. The stab to the heart that comes when you find out that maybe you did not have a deep believe in what you did after all, that you were only a fair-weather person, that when tough times came you did not stick to those convictions your child assumed you had because you did never ever have them at all. When the going gets tough the tough is supposed to get going, but you know what, you stopped going because you never had a foundation. You and your other half are one and the same. Five years ago I asked her a question I asked why are you doing what you are doing, why did you choose to love God why did you choose to live your life as such. She did not have an answer. I will tell you now that I will have an answer, I will never be like her so help me God, I will give an answer for the hope that I believe in, for my sister, for my daughter and son, for those out there who question why I believe in this God who made me, who loved me. This answer you did not give me and I had to go the hard way to dig it out for myself. Sure you say, every child must seek their path, must seek faith on their own, must seek to know Whom they believe in. But let me tell you that as a parent, the both of you, listen to me right now. You should have had so many conversations as a father, as a mother, as friends. You did not have those with us. We went the hard way to find out all these things. If it were not for the family of God there would have been no answer there would have been no light. It was a path I took, a lonely path that included holding my family together, holding myself together, holding all of you as you fought every day, not in words, not even in body language, but in your minds, how you all claimed to be faithful to one cause, how you claimed to believe in the same essential set of principles but when it came down to the wire you did not do so. I am not saying that I would be able to do so 20 years down the road. I do not know what the path ahead is, but I am going to tell you now that at 22, I have a clear vision of what I want to do, Who I wish to follow and the people I want to be around. If you three cannot sort yourselves out, you can have time, you can have all the time in the world you ever need, but here it is, from me to you: I’m tired, I’m so tired of trying. Please understand an iota of this pain. It’s more than physical mental emotional psychological, its spiritual. It’s wearisome to play this family game. If you want to play it by all means do so, but I want to have no more part in it. You figure your own way out, you don’t come to me with your problems, listen to me pour my love and help out and then disregard every single word I say and walk away. Why then come to me and ask, why guilt trip me into not being a helpful ‘good girl’ in the family. Why is your definition so pathetically parochial, selfish, self centred and family centred? Why can’t you open your eyes to understand the world, to understand pastoral and deeper nuanced issues. Why???

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Little things

Little things

Yesterday, a lot of things got sorted out that haven’t been sorted out for a while. It’s been a while since things have been going my way and in this period I’ve learnt to be grateful for the little things that God has given me. I realised I’ve taken a lot of things for granted, like clear vision, easily obtainable modules, and motivation. It’s not until these things were taken away from me one by one that I figured I couldn’t live without them. It started with me getting sick on new years day and I’m still kinda sick… With health taken away I was basically consigned to the bed and even after the fever subsided I was miserably stuck with flu. Being sick is really terrible, besides sniffling everywhere and having a sore nose, you don’t have strength to do much stuff. Attending to the multiple errands of the day tired me out so easily that I was quite shocked at how one train ride and back left me half dead. Coupled with that, I was waiting for my glasses to be done cause genius clumsy me broke them woohoo and I was left with contact lens that weren’t astigmatism equipped so I sort of hobbled around, banging into objects here and there, being unable to see anything or anyone clearly for a whole week and a half. It was pretty miserably sniffling and being partially blind. To add on to that, I really wanted to run or gym but you can’t do so when you’re sick so it was just me pining for some activity beside binging on Netflix and running errands. Then I couldn’t actually decide on whether I should bid for 3ks or 4ks, the dilemma was between pulling up my cap with easier 1-3k mods or just diving headfirst into 4ks. I was well aware of the fact that my grades was absolutely crappy and the fear of not getting to year 4 haunted me. It was pretty crippling, my own expectations and the fear of everything plus being unable to see anything clearly gave me daily mild headaches that lasted for the whole day. Bidding came and I panicked and dropped my MPE mods, I swear I wasn’t thinking straight. I still have no idea what happened for the first 12 days of January. With motivation and morale at an all time low, it reached the point where I didn’t want to leave the bed, I was sleeping 14 hours a day. Today was the turning point. I got my specs and I talked to someone who told me to choose my battles, take a few steps back and decide on a goal and let everything align around it. She told me I gotta choose what I wanna pursue and drop the rest because trying to achieve everything will only give me stress. Also she made me set a new goal for 2018 and that is to discover for myself how to rest and rejuvenate. She said you can’t help others if you’re dead. So start by taking care of yourself. I realised three years into uni and I didn’t know how to do that. So I’m gonna statt learning that, slowly. For now, things are looking up. I’m quietly thankful.

Dearest FCBayern München

Dearest FCBayern München

Dearest FC Bayern München,

you played with bravery, intensity, passion and drive. We were constantly screwed by refereeing decisions that decided both legs of the tie but we played and supported with all our hearts. I love you, champions league or no, you’re always my champions.

I am so so proud of everything we did despite all the odds stacked against us, from ridiculous red cards/double yellows to bad offside goals (I stopped counting how many there were).
I am proud because we never backed down despite already going into the game with a deficit.
I am proud that Mats Hummels and Jérôme Boateng played so well with all they had despite the recent injury.
I’m proud we didn’t give up after going a goal down.

We withstood the ridiculous red card decision against Vidal and didn’t lose our heads. For all that, we deserve credit. We don’t buy our matches, we earn them. (hear that, Madrid?)

You all were tired, we all were, too. You all pulled yourselves together despite everything, you ran, you fought, you gave your all. We love and respect you for that. You never gave up.

We played like 11 vs 11 although we had 10. The 11th man were the fans. Always cheering, always behind the team. As fans, we had our hearts in our mouths for almost the whole tie, it was stressful, really, terribly pressurising for all of us. We screamed, pulled our hair, some of us cried, even. It’s well worth it.

It’s been a long time since we crashed out from the UCL in the quarters. This game felt like a final to all of us, for the hype, the passion, the madness.

Thank you Bayern for giving us the opportunity to be part of this amazing experience. We love you no matter what.
Thank you Mr Carlo Ancelotti for the amazing run in this competition, for bringing us all through so far.

Bayern, you make me hate football, and you also make me love football.

(Image credits: https://twitter.com/Football__Tweet)

 

Suffocated

Suffocated

Some nights you feel suffocated, you feel overwhelmed by the weight of the world, you feel like you cannot do it anymore, you feel choked because there are too many things going on and you want to run away from it all. You have so many deadlines and you have no idea what to do with all of them so you just try and run away, but even when you run away, some things just stay in your head, the monsters under the bed that bite at you when you try and close your eyes and sleep. You cannot understand why you feel this way. Try and fight the pain but it comes back, in full force. The tears come rushing in spurts because you don’t know how to fight it anymore, you fight battles every day, in every place you go, at home, at school, with others because you care about them, and above all, in your head, your heart. the battle rages on fierce and doesn’t seem to let you go, it grips you, like tentacles, clawing at the very edges of your sanity. Try as you may, it’s not going to let you go. Through all this you want to scream, it reaches the point where you cannot even breathe because you just want to give up. God, please help. and if the pain is not taken away in Your will, please give me strength, sanity and grace upon grace. I trust You, God.

Rants-

Rants-

One;

I can’t help feel annoyed and terrified that my grades for Sem 2 are gonna roll in soon. Truth be told, I enjoyed the collection of modules I took this semester, however the grades are a whole different issue. I suppose I fall under that zone where you’re kinda average at whatever you chose to do but you absolutely love it. I love what I did, the skills and insights I received and picked up along the course of the semester, I wouldn’t trade them for anything else. But at the end of the day, what’s shown on your CAP/GPA is what really counts right? I’m so frustrated, honestly. I’ve been someone who swore to myself that I wouldn’t allow the idea of not so fantastic grades to deter me from choosing mods based on my interest and especially fully knowing the horror of some bell curves. I told myself I’ll follow my passions and my dreams and I’ll do things because I believe in it. But what happens when reality hits and when it slaps you in the face and compells you to come down from your high tower of idealism. What then am I supposed to do about it? I can’t find a balance yet…am I supposed to find a balance? The first Sem gave us free S/U options but I gotta say Sem 2 was when I really threw myself into doing the modules which I believed I’d be interested in. Do I really have to sacrifice my interests for grades? Honestly it’s not as though if I took some other modules I’d be so dead sure I’d score better. But then maybe it won’t be as volatile as these mods bell curves.?? I don’t know, I really can’t wrap my head around it. I admire some people who really can say passion > grades. I could…until I realized the possibility that I had to choose between German 3 and a bad grade next Sem. It’s not so much about working hard I know because I do that, I can guiltlessly and shamelessly (if you will), say that I worked hard, super darn hard, but no, it’s kinda about aptitude here. I’m no language person, but German 1 and 2 made me fall in love (deeper) with the culture, language, mindset, football and more. But for that one number – the CAP – I’m gonna have to reconsider that choice. It hurts.

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Why do you do this? It’s not ‘you’

Why do you do this? It’s not ‘you’

Disclaimer: I’m writing this based on my experiences and mine alone.

For a good while in my secondary school days, let’s say because of a bad experience, I hated girls. I didn’t wanna be like them. I detested everything that they were, because I felt I was not that. Secondary school was when girls grow, in every way possible, especially in the physical aspects, and I seemed to have been left out. I did talk about that more, here, but any way I grew to dislike feminine characteristics. I didn’t know how to dress also and I was a pretty socially awkward (and loud) person at the same time. Also, from young, I loved football and sports and it was always easier for me to hangout with the boys than with the girls.

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NUS Open Day 2016 thoughts

NUS Open Day 2016 thoughts

Watching the kids come to NUS for Open Day was like some deja vu. I remembered the blur and overly enthusiastic (still am) me, walking into the MPSH at NUS University Town looking for answers to my future. I was confused because for me, it was like options galore and I had no idea what I wanted and what NUS Lit/History/whatever-I-wanted-to-do-then was about. Fast forward to today and it’s one year, how fast time has passed. I picked up a tag and decided to answer questions, like how seniors talked to a confused me last year and gave me some directions and a little more clarity in my thoughts. Here are some thoughts/reflections.

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Why being an idealist sucks

Why being an idealist sucks

You start everything by hoping for the best. And by that I mean not hoping for things to go well but secretly preparing that something will go wrong. You genuinely believe that it will go right. You choose to see the best out of every situation, you tell yourself that at the start of every event or situation or wish or date, that you’ll get it done to perfection, that bad things will eventually become good, that you’ll get the girl/guy to fall for you, that your family will stop quarreling over money, that studying this much will make your grades go up.

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You break my heart

You break my heart

Your lack of understanding and trust is beyond me. How long have you known me and the fact that I’m 20 this year and after all that I’ve done, this is the attitude I’m presented with. I suppose the miles I go for you and those around you are invisible to your eyes. Maybe it is not, but you’d close your eyes to it so you don’t have to face truth. You don’t just disgust me, you sadden my heart, you make me feel distraught and flabbergasted at the way you react to this. How could you possibly be so slow to understand and insensitive as well m? I don’t like to ever use the word ‘obtuse’ on anyone but you prompt me to. Have you been away so long that you know nothing about the present situation? Probably so. Even after refresher courses have been given to you, you seem to be living in a world of your own concocted imagination, as though just to say ‘imagination’ would not suffice. It’s probably time for you to attempt and lift that rock you’ve been living under and get a view of the vast changes that have transpired while you built your own little well, higher and higher with more bricks every year. Maybe not your worldview is circular, next time it’ll be non-existent because we’ll all have moved on, society and those close to you. And you’ll be left alone. Maybe you deserve it too. If not for the obvious links shared between us, I dare say there’s nothing much between us anymore. I wish you’d open your eyes and learn to be not just more understanding but have some form of heart. What’re your global goals worth when your own languishing relationships fade slowly but surely into oblivion?