As if one miracle wasn’t enough I had two this week. It wasn’t large mind blowing or whatever, but small tokens of assurance, grace and encouragement. This week God affirmed to my heart that the God I believe in, He is real, true and powerful.
So many things happened this week which caused me to be grateful and which warmed my heart. DG on Monday was the celebration of mommaaaa Gaozxc’s birthday and it was a touching scene to see her really appreciate the gesture which not just us but the community did for her. It was really touching for me too, to see the way the community rallied around her, to write her well wishes and love her deeply. She’s an amazing inspiration and her heart seems to have no limits. Somehow God taught me through her life what it is to have humility. I’m an egoistic person and she taught me how to be humble and learn from everyone. I note how she learns from everybody around her, and that’s something so rare to find in our day and age where a lot of us are pretty obsessed with who we are and what we can achieve and I personally feel that my ego needs to take a beating sometime. Anyway yes I was really warmed by her. I remember the verse in Acts in which the Pharisees marveled at Peter and John and it was found and noted that they had been with Jesus which made them the way they were, it reflected in their demeanor. I need so much more of such experiences.
Secondly this week also we learnt how to be sensitive. There was more than one occasion where I had to learn how to exercise Christian sensitivity and understanding both to individuals and to a community as a whole.
Thirdly, my vision was rekindled this week. I was in the middle of sharing the gospel and things like this when I felt it occur to me what life really meant. I’m not discounting the worth of other experiences because I do go through many of them too and learn vital lessons but I felt God teach me that really I feel the most alive when I surrender faithfully to Him. I remember praying this prayer 3 months ago. I told God that I was going to willingly surrender a special friendship to Him, I was going to lay it on the altar and follow the Great Commission. Christ didn’t guarantee we’d be free from pain or sorrow if we obeyed Him, but He said He would be WITH US. That promise is true, real and alive. When I said I would surrender it all, I did, and I shared the Gospel unflinchingly, knowing fully well that it could go both ways. 3 months later God rewarded me, bountifully. One of the battles I had to fight internally with myself was that I was afraid this whole sharing the gospel thing would be a completely intellectual experience. That’s like partly the point but it would be not enough. But I ventured by faith. Then that day God showed me He’d been working through me and using me to breach barriers to bring Christ to the person. It’s such a great thing to experience something that you never knew would be possible, that you didn’t believe because you were faithless, that someone could be open to walking in Christ with you. It’s mind blowing. I am but in awe and wonder.
This week’s classes also augmented my faith in God because I saw how modernism and other 20/21st century philosophies and maybe even non 20th century ones were different from the values I upheld. It caused me to be thankful for what I have been brought up in but learn to keep an open mind to whatever I learn because it is not just a theory but it is a lifestyle and a mindset that one upholds. Nonetheless, this week’s classes were interesting and thought provoking. I hope for more of these, it makes me very happy I took these modules.
Typing this seems so surreal. Year 1 is about over.
I remember dreamt of getting into this school, little did I know what was in store for me. From the Sem 1 camps, intro mods and getting accustomed to things to stepping up more in Sem 2, not just taking on leadership roles but also growing very much intellectually and maturing, it’s been such a wonderful academic year.
I did things I never imagined I’d ever do, most people ask me if I’m crazy. I think I am. Writing this, I don’t know how to put into words the many things that I gained from all my experiences. I gotta say I’m also very blessed to be in FASS. It’s a faculty where I get to study everything I want, it’s so enlightening to learn things, to appreciate perspectives, to have ideas to discuss, to understand my world, my surroundings, to know cultures, history, and so much more. It’s a wonderful place, really, one that I could never have dreamed of, in terms of allowing me to pursue what I love and that in depth and breadth. I am very grateful indeed.
This morning I had my own quiet time of worship and I just want to say how healing it is to just know, and just bask in the fact that Our God is there for us.
I read Genesis and I saw Joseph’s unconditional love for his brethren. He saved them all, despite having been ill-treated by them in the past. I saw Abraham and instead of offering up his son, God gave Him the gift of the ram in the thicket, representing Christ that was to come and die in that same spot on Mount Moriah/Calvary, years later. But this time the Father did not say stop, but He let His only Begotten Son die, to give us hope.
I cried, because I saw I am so far, I am so far from sacrifice. I am so far from obedience, from consecration. I say I love my Saviour but I am not like Him.
I say I am a christian but my God showed me what love is. He showed me what sacrifice is. As I listened to christian music and read the Bible, I felt that inexplicable sense come over me. I wondered with awe who would even do this for mortal, sinful, finite beings. Who would have the love and heart so big as to love the unlovables. But He did, and that is the reason, HE is the reason I can trust so freely, love so deeply and live each day. I am humbled to see how much I have not done in reciprocation. At the same time, I am thankful to be able to lift my heart, my troubles, and dilemmas to Him, trusting He knows best.
1. Relinquishing control: giving it to God was literally a hard saying for me, for someone who needed sooo much control in my life, in my academics, over my friends, in my family etc. But this semester, I was forced to give up my control over what I held so tightly to, when my mom went into hospital there was nothing I could do except fall on my knees and ask for God’s help. When my assignments didn’t seem to match up to expectations, I was lost, I needed to ask for help, I had no one to turn to. In my decisions, people who I asked left me with ‘it’s your choice’(s) and ‘do whatever makes you happy’(s), how was that even an answer, but it was God’s way of telling me to come to Him, the Answer. And it was when I went to Him for help, that the calmness came to me to make decisions, and He blessed my choices. It was a gradual learning process, and I have not learnt fully but I am still learning to lean on Him, every day in all I do.
Thank God for a whole bucket of HIs love and mercies. As I contemplate on this week, it is another week of God’s faithfulness despite my unfaithfulness. In attempting to honour Him in little things, I feel that God did give me the grace and courage to do what was right for Him.